I realised that if I want something really bad, I always get it. This may sound like a great boon but the twist is, not everything that I want is nice for me, or probably what ideally is a ‘good thing’. For example, I wanted a bf, wanted to go clubbing, wanted a meaningless hook up… these were some of the ‘bad things’ I’ve wanted. Anyway so I got my meaning less fling. I was in a state of complete inebriation and self doubt. Never again am I going to do such a thing. I felt disgusted and ashamed. I was guilty for two whole weeks. Anyway now almost a month has passed by and its taught me to value myself more. I mean I always value myself way more than I should, I have a huge amount of self respect which can be termed as an ego. Maybe that’s why I get what I want. Now all I want is to give my love to someone. And I’m sure I will find someone worthy enough. Someone who gets me as a person and someone who I understand. Someone who loves me unconditionally for who I am as a person. Who sees me as I see myself. Who is smart and makes me feel intelligent. Who doesn’t just go for looks. And for that I’m ready to wait.
My dumb ex and his friends tried tormenting me with my hook up thing but it back fired. It honestly made me stop beating myself up for that dumb thing. Everyone makes mistakes and I’ve learnt from mine. I’d rather be single and classy than some slut who has all the guys eating out of her hand, not because what she’s doing is bad by any standards, but because that’s not who I am. I thought I was this person who felt less pain and could handle anything, but I’m not. This summer made me realise who I am; a good girl. It made me realise that being myself doesn’t make me boring, but infact being emotional, nice and less flirty actually makes me happy. Why should I change who I am because I get to fit in more? I didn’t realise that the more I fit in, the more stronger I thought I got, the more weaker I became. I realised that true strength comes from being confident in your own skin which is why I’m so grateful for my friends who know this side of me and who have stuck by me through out this time. I really do love them. They’re nice people and they understand me. I don’t even feel desperate for a bf any more. I just realised that I want a good relationship. And the fact that I want that makes me happier to wait it out. I’m in no rush to lose my virginity to some guy who doesn’t deserve me, who’ll probably show off about it. I also realised that love isn’t enough. Because that love can turn into hate so very easily that it makes me afraid to even love in the first place. What’s actually needed is to feel safe and comfortable, like you’ve known the person your whole life and like there’s no need to hide anything from them. And you know they’ll have your back, no matter what. This is why no dumb things with stupid hot guys. Who cares if it will burn my ex and make people jealous and make me sound like a bad ass. I’d rather be someone less approachable and more quiet. I’d rather be the person who absolutely does not flirt on text. I’m sure I can find someone later. For now I want to find out more about myself. I want to make dumb mistakes. I want to realise who I am because every time I find a peice of myself, I realise what I want and I go achieve it. I want to be the best at my job and get into a great college for now so lets see what I do. I want amazing grades too. I want to top