cranky me

I think I find it difficult to handle changes. I think its because changes disrupt the constant order or maybe even chaos in my life plus I have to let go of something. That’s why this break up was so hard on me because to me Prithvi was my closest friend and someone I could text full day. It’s odd sometimes, replying to flirty and sometimes sexual texts to guys who I can’t give a single fuck about, who seem to not give that much of a shit about me. Fuck I hate it. I’m over the break up and him, its probably been 4 months and he’s moved on clearly with some new girl. It hurts me still. The only way you can get over someone is replacing them. But the thing is, replacing them with just anyone?

Im at this phase in my life where I feel really lost. Like as if Im on a high. A second ago I love it; Im living every fucking moment and the next second I feel like puking and I feel trapped. I want to party because I like that moment in the middle where you zone out and its just you and the beats and nothing bothers you. No study pressure no love fuck up, just you having fun. Im lost because I dont know whether Im happy or Im sad. Sometimes it feels a bit empty, a bit dazed. Like the moment after you faint, that feeling of consciousness which you just cannot explain. You just feel alive. Its overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean its sad or happy. I guess Im just a confused 17 year old. I think I finally agreed with the fact that I want love and I deserve it. It’s difficult for me to express love and even fall in love. But I want to. Fuck the pain. Because I realised that I feel really lost without it. Like there’s no substance. No reason to pick up the phone and text. And while I love getting attention, I want love. I may not love love. And all this while I realised that I don’t have dad issues(i cant fucking call it daddy issues that sounds v creepy) I have mom issues. I feel like I have to keep living up to her standards. I die for her approval because deep down I really want her love in a more undivided way. Even typing this makes me cry like a sissy. I want to show her how brave and smart I am but I just feel like I keep failing in her eyes. She just never looks at me the way she looks at Aamir. Her face doesn’t light up. And sometimes when I’m in a room with both of them it feels like she doesn’t even fucking care about my existence. I feel really incomplete. And even though my dad loves me more and shows it, I feel like I want my mom to love me so bad I start embracing whatever approval she gives me with all my life. And once I learn to let go and stop making her god, I will be happier. One way to do this is to stop assuming she’s right at everything and start going out more with my dad and embracing the love he gives me instead. Not only that, but also finding love, like a bit of teenage love, in some guy. The second part is the fuck up which makes me a fuck up because now I’ve come to the point of considering a meaning less fling . But I’m scared tbh. About how I’ll handle the guilt that comes attached. Anyway its 2:40am and my head hurts from crying