New crush

A thing about me which I realised is contrary to my overall personality is the fact that I randomly get crushes when I find guys being nice to me, even though by his nice= totally faking nice because I want some action and I have to make up for being mean to you previously(I can see through it). So basically, one of the hot flirty guys, let’s call him JFH(just for hookups, yes it’s lame but idc) is being so cute it’s making my heart melt. Saying hi in the corridor, giving me stationary, waiting to enter the lift with me and majorly (and openly) flirting. Problem is, I’ve started liking him. Dilemma is, should I flirt back and hook up with him even though I know he’s being nice only to hookup, or should I not.

Pros- Hot guy, I like him, Greatly attracted to him, Rumour is he doesn’t kiss that well so no pressure on me, He’s trying for my enemy who keeps fighting w me so I can spite her with this win, He’s cool so people may find me cool also (although I’m already cool enough), By cool I meant maybe more guys will talk to me because otherwise they’re just too shy to, Hottie no 2 will get jealous, Feel good about being single

Cons -Rumour has it that he doesn’t kiss well, He’s trying for my enemy who will keep fighting w me over this and get even more jel and omg so much negativity, He’ll be rude to me after and it’ll crush me, People who might be jel or judgey will call me a slut -.-(may/may not affect me ), Too many guys will talk to me (ie they’ll think I’m easy),I’ll feel extremely guilty about this.

Anyway  so for now I decided to bring on my A game, flirt back and see where the future takes me.

Tbh I like him wooing me. It’s really fun.  He also flirts with my best friends. Oops I forgot to mention…

But she’s like please go for it! so ya omg talk about wanting a drama free life gosh

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On Love

A few months back, when I was dating, whenever I watched a romantic comedy I would feel that weird buzz in my heart, and i would smile. But when I saw two people crying out of love, I just never got it. Today I do. For God’s sake, I cried when two lovers met in an animated movie called Book of Life. This made me wonder, was I in love with him?

I’ll only find out if I was in love if I fall in love (maybe again) and relate that feeling to what I felt. I now definitely want to fall in love. Before, I didn’t look for love. If it’s one thing that my previous relationship has taught me, it is that I should date seriosly and not “just to see how things work out” or “show off about having a boyfriend”. Speaking of which, the nice intelligent guy who was my former prospect, is someone I have totally lost interest in rn. Mental note- LOOKS=ATTRACTION=MATTERS IN LONG RUN. Lol, fuck behaving not superficial when it comes to looks, it’s better than starting something you never really wanted to begin with. So yeah. And maybe you can’t have your cake and eat it too but I secretly want to turn either of the two hot bad guys into a good guy who will be cuddley and we will make people envy us and we will be their life goals. But for thatI need to ‘give in’ to one of them. One is clearly interested. The other is giving me signals kinda but seems in love with his gf who he’s had sex with. Yes SEX sex. Which means they’re a big deal. Which is why I now took to hating him. I guess I’m just that kind of girl. Also being single is FUCKING AWESOME OMG!!! I went to a nightclub for my bestfriends birthday and all these super cool pretentious guys found me v hot. Yay! Plus I’m getting a lot of attention and I love it.

So my plan is to initiate a ‘scene’ (hehe) with the available hottie by flirting with him and then meeting him for a movie, and then seeing how he is. If he’s still nice, and want some more, idm. If he goes back to being rude, bitch mode on plus I’ll tell everyone how bad he was at making out. Another scenario could be that he leaves me for another chick, so I can’t stop my search. And last scary scenario, he’s in a sport with my brother and my mom might find out which is scary because he plus me = dead meat then. But hopefully, he’ll be smart enough not to tell mom because she will for sure behave weirdly around him.

Plus, I’ve become some sort of party girl, which is awesome, and I met this guy in tuts long back and felt a spark. Super cute, school full of rich kids, older, captain. Check, check and check bloody mate. Plus is taller. AAAhh.  I saw him at tryst twice! Flirts time I saw him I got happy and purposely made a weird I know you face before leaving plus he came up to dance next to me. Second time, I was kinda hoping he was coming, and he crossed my table to get to the other side and we said hi to each other but he didn’t smile and idk confused me. Plus when I was looking behind me to show my friends who he was we caught each other’s gaze but then idk a few minutes later he shifted places, but then again, so did I. Coincidence or fate? idk, but he’s probably going off to university in a bit. Ugh I hope we meet again and he kisses me. But whatever. If I see him again I’m going to be convinced he’s my future husband haha. Oh my god, I’m a crazy hopeless romantic. I miss my rational logic kicking in. I guess people do change.

xoxo

hoping that Someone does Something interesting

18-5-16

8-4-16 Being single

Date makes me think of dating and ugh that makes me think of me being single.

My relationship with my ex was the kind where you don’t realise how bad it was until you finally break up realise that it was all about the ‘faux love’ experience; nothing was real. One thing I realised was that I didn’t want love nor did I not want love. I never had any such expectations. The only thing I wanted was something true. It could be a true ‘crush’, a true ‘lust’ and if I was lucky, maybe even a true ‘love’! But anyway I don’t want to pine about my relationship obviously. I want to do something more fun. Pine about my survival in singledom. Haha gotcha

Being single sucks and rocks. It sucks because I want someone to look at me the way my friend’s boyfriend looks at her. I want someone to walk me to my school bus. I want to sit with someone in breaks and rest my head on his shoulder. I’m a hopeless romantic, not a “cold hearted person who pushes people away because she has commitment issues” as told to me by none other than my ex. It honestly made me laugh. Just because I wasn’t dying to get married when I grow up like all the other girls my age, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. All I want is a nice looking guy with a fit body who doesn’t lie and say creepy things to other girls and makes me laugh and travels the world around with me… Is that too much to ask? Well it shouldn’t be. I think I’m funny, smart, pretty and kind . I deserve someone amazing. And no I’m not being cocky, this is the amount of self confidence you’re supposed to have!

See I know I dumped my bf, I wanted to be single and I love being ready to mingle (sorry not sorry) but OMG it is so tough. I thought guys would be dyinggg for me. Well maybe they are, but they’re really being v secretive. That’s why there’s like on couple in my grade, rest all of the other people date from outside our grade plus there are no hook ups at parties. where r u boiz?plz. OK im kidding not that desperate. I’m so not settling for less. It’s go big or go home or go home with some one big. Haha jk. And by big I mean big brains and beautiful body plus face lol you perv.

So I’ve realised my type. Its the kind of guy that is tall and has a smashed up yet manly face with the kind of muscular arms that basket ball players have, lean and muscular. For eg, Toby from Pretty Little Liars or Cody Simpson, the australian singer, or this jerk of a guy at school. Why am I alwaysss attracted to the bad guys! ugh. But lately this really nice boy who’s v leader like and looks okay has been hinting things subtly. My question is, should I go for the nice  guy I’m not attracted to or the guy i’m attracted to who’s a jerk. Another super hot fuck boy likes me. Idek who to go for . I secretly want the bad guy. FML

Hot guy pls come here and stroke my hair and buy me sushi.

But i’m also happy I’m single, guys do more stuff for you, it’s convenient and a great ego boost. Great times. Waiting for someone who fits my criteria and matches me intellectually and physically.

Byee

 

4-4-16 Life as a dreamer

Idk if it’s just me but I always overthink a series of numbers put together, for example today’s date, because 4 x 4 is 16 and how cool is that. In fact I overthink just about everything nowadays, from poptarts to my existence. Yeah, i’m extreme like that. No but honestly, do people consider pop tarts a dessert or like a fancier biscuit-y thing like an oreo?

I think by now it’s safe to say that Im an avid day dreamer and procrastinator. It’s quite sad (or mature and rational, which also means sad and boring to me) that I’ve been day dreaming waaay lesser as I’ve grown up. As a kid, before I actually went to sleep, i.e the time period during which I’m lying down, staring at the ceiling, trying to keep my eyes shut and waiting for my subconscious mind to kick that racing, overthinking mind right out of the door, I used to make up all sorts of imaginary scenarios like going for candle light dinners with my crush or being given some sort of scholarship because I was a complete genius and the world depended on me for it’s survival through the apocalypse (I was ten so I didn’t really imagine realistic scenarios). Anyway, so I loved those times because it substituted the bed time stories which I was not told after age 6 and also, I had this belief that the world was a series of dreams. By that I mean, I was living in someone else’s dreams and someone else was living in my dream and it goes on and on. I felt that if I dreamed about nice things about me, then maybe in a parallel universe, I would be having the best time ever. I also wondered if in that parallel universe, whatever I considered to be the best time ever was actually not so good for (because maybe that planet had different rules for happiness?) and this paradox took up like a whole day of thinking, which in the world of an over thinker, is far too long.

Any way, so today I was sick and I bunked school and went back to bed (that feeling is more satisfying than a warm hug when you’re pms-y)  and I day dreamed again, after years. At first I almost felt judged and embarrassed and felt I was being super weird but then I realised that it was super therapeutic. I wondered if this was my display of the ostrich- syndrome, if I was the ostrich burying head under the blankets instead of dry soil, hiding myself from my imperfect life. But then I immediately willed myself to stop wondering because I like being happy. Idk if this means I’m hiding away from my feelings but oh well, aren’t I addressing my feelings here?

I’m really hungry now, so I’ll leave feeling confused and I’ll probably write more on my confusion for the next time.

Byeee!(super enthusiastic because first time)