Maturing up

13 th January 2017

A day before my 18th birthday, and I don’t feel scared to call myself an adult for some reason.

I read the first two lines of an article which stated how a girl’s mother told her not to blame the father because it was her fault. Emotionally abusing and more specifically gas lighting is a common germ infesting in all bad relationships, infecting women with different opinions of their very own self. However, my mother has never fallen prey to what I believe is no lesser than a sickness. I hold my head high because I was taught to. I never blamed myself when my stupid ex acted like all the fights were my fault and emotionally black mailed me to make me feel sorry for him. This just pushed me away from him even more. What I realised today is that I do not take bull shit from anyone. I stand up for myself and cry whenever I do feel hurt (pretty openly) but I am emotionally stable and I can handle myself with grace, or at least I strive to.

In a few months I will be leaving for college and I have never felt so empty. I’m going to be homesick for way too long. I’m not like most of the people who go to my college. I’m not so artsy that I’m idk weird. And all these kids are not my cup of tea at fucking all. But I guess I can deal with it, so it’s not such a big deal. Being a strong person makes me feel capable of handling anything. I hope I always feel this strong

 

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What summer ’16 taught me

I realised that if I want something really bad, I always get it. This may sound like a great boon but the twist is, not everything that I want is nice for me, or probably what ideally is a ‘good thing’. For example, I wanted a bf, wanted to go clubbing, wanted a meaningless hook up… these were some of the ‘bad things’ I’ve wanted. Anyway so I got my meaning less fling. I was in a state of complete inebriation and self doubt. Never again am I going to do such a thing. I felt disgusted and ashamed. I was guilty for two whole weeks. Anyway now almost a month has passed by and its taught me to value myself more. I mean I always value myself way more than I should, I have a huge amount of self respect which can be termed as an ego. Maybe that’s why I get what I want. Now all I want is to give my love to someone. And I’m sure I will find someone worthy enough. Someone who gets me as a person and someone who I understand. Someone who loves me unconditionally for who I am as a person. Who sees me as I see myself. Who is smart and makes me feel intelligent. Who doesn’t just go for looks. And for that I’m ready to wait.

My dumb ex and his friends tried tormenting me with my hook up thing but it back fired. It honestly made me stop beating myself up for that dumb thing. Everyone makes mistakes and I’ve learnt from mine. I’d rather be single and classy than some slut who has all the guys eating out of her hand, not because what she’s doing is bad by any standards, but because that’s not who I am. I thought I was this person who felt less pain and could handle anything, but I’m not. This summer made me realise who I am; a good girl. It made me realise that being myself doesn’t make me boring, but infact being emotional, nice and less flirty actually makes me happy. Why should I change who I am because I get to fit in more? I didn’t realise that the more I fit in, the more stronger I thought I got, the more weaker I became. I realised that true strength comes from being confident in your own skin which is why I’m so grateful for my friends who know this side of me and who have stuck by me through out this time. I really do love them. They’re nice people and they understand me. I don’t even feel desperate for a bf any more. I just realised that I want a good relationship. And the fact that I want that makes me happier to wait it out. I’m in no rush to lose my virginity to some guy who doesn’t deserve me, who’ll probably show off about it. I also realised that love isn’t enough. Because that love can turn into hate so very easily that it makes me afraid to even love in the first place. What’s actually needed is to feel safe and comfortable, like you’ve known the person your whole life and like there’s no need to hide anything from them. And you know they’ll have your back, no matter what. This is why no dumb things with stupid hot guys. Who cares if it will burn my ex and make people jealous and make me sound like a bad ass. I’d rather be someone less approachable and more quiet. I’d rather be the person who absolutely does not flirt on text. I’m sure I can find someone later. For now I want to find out more about myself. I want to make dumb mistakes. I want to realise who I am because every time I find a peice of myself, I realise what I want and I go achieve it. I want to be the best at my job and get into a great college for now so lets see what I do. I want amazing grades too. I want to top

 

cranky me

I think I find it difficult to handle changes. I think its because changes disrupt the constant order or maybe even chaos in my life plus I have to let go of something. That’s why this break up was so hard on me because to me Prithvi was my closest friend and someone I could text full day. It’s odd sometimes, replying to flirty and sometimes sexual texts to guys who I can’t give a single fuck about, who seem to not give that much of a shit about me. Fuck I hate it. I’m over the break up and him, its probably been 4 months and he’s moved on clearly with some new girl. It hurts me still. The only way you can get over someone is replacing them. But the thing is, replacing them with just anyone?

Im at this phase in my life where I feel really lost. Like as if Im on a high. A second ago I love it; Im living every fucking moment and the next second I feel like puking and I feel trapped. I want to party because I like that moment in the middle where you zone out and its just you and the beats and nothing bothers you. No study pressure no love fuck up, just you having fun. Im lost because I dont know whether Im happy or Im sad. Sometimes it feels a bit empty, a bit dazed. Like the moment after you faint, that feeling of consciousness which you just cannot explain. You just feel alive. Its overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean its sad or happy. I guess Im just a confused 17 year old. I think I finally agreed with the fact that I want love and I deserve it. It’s difficult for me to express love and even fall in love. But I want to. Fuck the pain. Because I realised that I feel really lost without it. Like there’s no substance. No reason to pick up the phone and text. And while I love getting attention, I want love. I may not love love. And all this while I realised that I don’t have dad issues(i cant fucking call it daddy issues that sounds v creepy) I have mom issues. I feel like I have to keep living up to her standards. I die for her approval because deep down I really want her love in a more undivided way. Even typing this makes me cry like a sissy. I want to show her how brave and smart I am but I just feel like I keep failing in her eyes. She just never looks at me the way she looks at Aamir. Her face doesn’t light up. And sometimes when I’m in a room with both of them it feels like she doesn’t even fucking care about my existence. I feel really incomplete. And even though my dad loves me more and shows it, I feel like I want my mom to love me so bad I start embracing whatever approval she gives me with all my life. And once I learn to let go and stop making her god, I will be happier. One way to do this is to stop assuming she’s right at everything and start going out more with my dad and embracing the love he gives me instead. Not only that, but also finding love, like a bit of teenage love, in some guy. The second part is the fuck up which makes me a fuck up because now I’ve come to the point of considering a meaning less fling . But I’m scared tbh. About how I’ll handle the guilt that comes attached. Anyway its 2:40am and my head hurts from crying

cioa

New crush

A thing about me which I realised is contrary to my overall personality is the fact that I randomly get crushes when I find guys being nice to me, even though by his nice= totally faking nice because I want some action and I have to make up for being mean to you previously(I can see through it). So basically, one of the hot flirty guys, let’s call him JFH(just for hookups, yes it’s lame but idc) is being so cute it’s making my heart melt. Saying hi in the corridor, giving me stationary, waiting to enter the lift with me and majorly (and openly) flirting. Problem is, I’ve started liking him. Dilemma is, should I flirt back and hook up with him even though I know he’s being nice only to hookup, or should I not.

Pros- Hot guy, I like him, Greatly attracted to him, Rumour is he doesn’t kiss that well so no pressure on me, He’s trying for my enemy who keeps fighting w me so I can spite her with this win, He’s cool so people may find me cool also (although I’m already cool enough), By cool I meant maybe more guys will talk to me because otherwise they’re just too shy to, Hottie no 2 will get jealous, Feel good about being single

Cons -Rumour has it that he doesn’t kiss well, He’s trying for my enemy who will keep fighting w me over this and get even more jel and omg so much negativity, He’ll be rude to me after and it’ll crush me, People who might be jel or judgey will call me a slut -.-(may/may not affect me ), Too many guys will talk to me (ie they’ll think I’m easy),I’ll feel extremely guilty about this.

Anyway  so for now I decided to bring on my A game, flirt back and see where the future takes me.

Tbh I like him wooing me. It’s really fun.  He also flirts with my best friends. Oops I forgot to mention…

But she’s like please go for it! so ya omg talk about wanting a drama free life gosh

On Love

A few months back, when I was dating, whenever I watched a romantic comedy I would feel that weird buzz in my heart, and i would smile. But when I saw two people crying out of love, I just never got it. Today I do. For God’s sake, I cried when two lovers met in an animated movie called Book of Life. This made me wonder, was I in love with him?

I’ll only find out if I was in love if I fall in love (maybe again) and relate that feeling to what I felt. I now definitely want to fall in love. Before, I didn’t look for love. If it’s one thing that my previous relationship has taught me, it is that I should date seriosly and not “just to see how things work out” or “show off about having a boyfriend”. Speaking of which, the nice intelligent guy who was my former prospect, is someone I have totally lost interest in rn. Mental note- LOOKS=ATTRACTION=MATTERS IN LONG RUN. Lol, fuck behaving not superficial when it comes to looks, it’s better than starting something you never really wanted to begin with. So yeah. And maybe you can’t have your cake and eat it too but I secretly want to turn either of the two hot bad guys into a good guy who will be cuddley and we will make people envy us and we will be their life goals. But for thatI need to ‘give in’ to one of them. One is clearly interested. The other is giving me signals kinda but seems in love with his gf who he’s had sex with. Yes SEX sex. Which means they’re a big deal. Which is why I now took to hating him. I guess I’m just that kind of girl. Also being single is FUCKING AWESOME OMG!!! I went to a nightclub for my bestfriends birthday and all these super cool pretentious guys found me v hot. Yay! Plus I’m getting a lot of attention and I love it.

So my plan is to initiate a ‘scene’ (hehe) with the available hottie by flirting with him and then meeting him for a movie, and then seeing how he is. If he’s still nice, and want some more, idm. If he goes back to being rude, bitch mode on plus I’ll tell everyone how bad he was at making out. Another scenario could be that he leaves me for another chick, so I can’t stop my search. And last scary scenario, he’s in a sport with my brother and my mom might find out which is scary because he plus me = dead meat then. But hopefully, he’ll be smart enough not to tell mom because she will for sure behave weirdly around him.

Plus, I’ve become some sort of party girl, which is awesome, and I met this guy in tuts long back and felt a spark. Super cute, school full of rich kids, older, captain. Check, check and check bloody mate. Plus is taller. AAAhh.  I saw him at tryst twice! Flirts time I saw him I got happy and purposely made a weird I know you face before leaving plus he came up to dance next to me. Second time, I was kinda hoping he was coming, and he crossed my table to get to the other side and we said hi to each other but he didn’t smile and idk confused me. Plus when I was looking behind me to show my friends who he was we caught each other’s gaze but then idk a few minutes later he shifted places, but then again, so did I. Coincidence or fate? idk, but he’s probably going off to university in a bit. Ugh I hope we meet again and he kisses me. But whatever. If I see him again I’m going to be convinced he’s my future husband haha. Oh my god, I’m a crazy hopeless romantic. I miss my rational logic kicking in. I guess people do change.

xoxo

hoping that Someone does Something interesting

18-5-16

8-4-16 Being single

Date makes me think of dating and ugh that makes me think of me being single.

My relationship with my ex was the kind where you don’t realise how bad it was until you finally break up realise that it was all about the ‘faux love’ experience; nothing was real. One thing I realised was that I didn’t want love nor did I not want love. I never had any such expectations. The only thing I wanted was something true. It could be a true ‘crush’, a true ‘lust’ and if I was lucky, maybe even a true ‘love’! But anyway I don’t want to pine about my relationship obviously. I want to do something more fun. Pine about my survival in singledom. Haha gotcha

Being single sucks and rocks. It sucks because I want someone to look at me the way my friend’s boyfriend looks at her. I want someone to walk me to my school bus. I want to sit with someone in breaks and rest my head on his shoulder. I’m a hopeless romantic, not a “cold hearted person who pushes people away because she has commitment issues” as told to me by none other than my ex. It honestly made me laugh. Just because I wasn’t dying to get married when I grow up like all the other girls my age, doesn’t mean I don’t want to. All I want is a nice looking guy with a fit body who doesn’t lie and say creepy things to other girls and makes me laugh and travels the world around with me… Is that too much to ask? Well it shouldn’t be. I think I’m funny, smart, pretty and kind . I deserve someone amazing. And no I’m not being cocky, this is the amount of self confidence you’re supposed to have!

See I know I dumped my bf, I wanted to be single and I love being ready to mingle (sorry not sorry) but OMG it is so tough. I thought guys would be dyinggg for me. Well maybe they are, but they’re really being v secretive. That’s why there’s like on couple in my grade, rest all of the other people date from outside our grade plus there are no hook ups at parties. where r u boiz?plz. OK im kidding not that desperate. I’m so not settling for less. It’s go big or go home or go home with some one big. Haha jk. And by big I mean big brains and beautiful body plus face lol you perv.

So I’ve realised my type. Its the kind of guy that is tall and has a smashed up yet manly face with the kind of muscular arms that basket ball players have, lean and muscular. For eg, Toby from Pretty Little Liars or Cody Simpson, the australian singer, or this jerk of a guy at school. Why am I alwaysss attracted to the bad guys! ugh. But lately this really nice boy who’s v leader like and looks okay has been hinting things subtly. My question is, should I go for the nice  guy I’m not attracted to or the guy i’m attracted to who’s a jerk. Another super hot fuck boy likes me. Idek who to go for . I secretly want the bad guy. FML

Hot guy pls come here and stroke my hair and buy me sushi.

But i’m also happy I’m single, guys do more stuff for you, it’s convenient and a great ego boost. Great times. Waiting for someone who fits my criteria and matches me intellectually and physically.

Byee

 

4-4-16 Life as a dreamer

Idk if it’s just me but I always overthink a series of numbers put together, for example today’s date, because 4 x 4 is 16 and how cool is that. In fact I overthink just about everything nowadays, from poptarts to my existence. Yeah, i’m extreme like that. No but honestly, do people consider pop tarts a dessert or like a fancier biscuit-y thing like an oreo?

I think by now it’s safe to say that Im an avid day dreamer and procrastinator. It’s quite sad (or mature and rational, which also means sad and boring to me) that I’ve been day dreaming waaay lesser as I’ve grown up. As a kid, before I actually went to sleep, i.e the time period during which I’m lying down, staring at the ceiling, trying to keep my eyes shut and waiting for my subconscious mind to kick that racing, overthinking mind right out of the door, I used to make up all sorts of imaginary scenarios like going for candle light dinners with my crush or being given some sort of scholarship because I was a complete genius and the world depended on me for it’s survival through the apocalypse (I was ten so I didn’t really imagine realistic scenarios). Anyway, so I loved those times because it substituted the bed time stories which I was not told after age 6 and also, I had this belief that the world was a series of dreams. By that I mean, I was living in someone else’s dreams and someone else was living in my dream and it goes on and on. I felt that if I dreamed about nice things about me, then maybe in a parallel universe, I would be having the best time ever. I also wondered if in that parallel universe, whatever I considered to be the best time ever was actually not so good for (because maybe that planet had different rules for happiness?) and this paradox took up like a whole day of thinking, which in the world of an over thinker, is far too long.

Any way, so today I was sick and I bunked school and went back to bed (that feeling is more satisfying than a warm hug when you’re pms-y)  and I day dreamed again, after years. At first I almost felt judged and embarrassed and felt I was being super weird but then I realised that it was super therapeutic. I wondered if this was my display of the ostrich- syndrome, if I was the ostrich burying head under the blankets instead of dry soil, hiding myself from my imperfect life. But then I immediately willed myself to stop wondering because I like being happy. Idk if this means I’m hiding away from my feelings but oh well, aren’t I addressing my feelings here?

I’m really hungry now, so I’ll leave feeling confused and I’ll probably write more on my confusion for the next time.

Byeee!(super enthusiastic because first time)